The dialogue is also hard to parse (and there's a lot of it!) because it's so modern, and the setting is not, say urban fantasy. Why does the narrative start here, and not farther in? Right now we seem to be getting 'slice of life' shots but no real plot progression or meat. This chapter also does not seem to have an inciting incident. I'm getting whiplash from all the changes in direction this chapter takes.
Pg 14: “Do you think the refugees are okay in there?” Pg 12: "Be sure not to go easy on that leg" so why wasn't she flying this time? Also, I thought she hadn't appeared again, so I'm not sure what Z's significance is. Pg 11: "She was flying and had daggers floating around her neck like the Red Angel of legends.” And then.they just fight? I'm not really sure what's going on. Pg 9/10: I didn't get that this was the angel from just the cloak. this is adding yet another element to an already confusing sequence. Pg 9: "why wouldn’t he tell her more about what he found out from their mother?" Pg 8: "about her twin brother" "would Z be ready to face the truth?" Was there a reason for sketching cactus or randomly following a bird? It seems like a plotful way to get Z here. Pg 7: "The Creator must want her to come to terms with her past today" It's hard not to think about something once you start. Pg 6: "Z cut herself off before remembering any further" She can sketch, but can't paint? They seem like.related skills. We haven't seen any sign of D using telepath, have we? Also, I guess their scheme is to kill the Holy Ruler? There seems to be a lot of other stuff going on as well. Pg 5: "Of course it came back to her not being able to bond with a crystal." ".since D was a telepath" the topics here are meandering a lot and i'm not really sure what's going on. Pg 4: "You know, for someone in charge of a group called the Freedom Fighters." I'm not sure which events Z is talking about or what she wants to discover. so she doesn't remember the challenge and one of the princes getting killed? Is that what M is supposed to find out? I thought S already knew? Couldn't she ask him? Pg 3: "It was a mercy that she didn’t remember" About the day? M getting captured? Something else? about what? I"m not really sure what's going on yet. also, the question she eventually asks seems pretty benign and appropriate for a risky mission. What is her status that this was out of line? So does this just have eyehole cutouts like a mask? Also, if she already knows the eye color, she wouldn't have to look close here.
#Iwrite jan 24 skin#
Pg 1: "that covered even the skin around her eyes, but when Z looked close she saw that D’s eye color was leaf-green." Pg 1: You could probably condense a lot of this first page to get to D coming in sooner. Pg 1: I'd break the first sentence into two, one about hitting the punching bag, and then about how it's made. I'd suggest taking some of the information away and focusing on what is the most important at this early point in the book.
basically it needs to be condensed to an arc that's recognizable. I think taking one aspect of this chapter - Seeking out M, or getting info on the angel, or attending the refugees, or the fight, or the purpose of the organization, or stopping to sketch things. How do you feel about her role in the story? Any suggestions? Reading this over I don't feel like the story knows as much about what to do with Z at the beginning as it does with S. Z seems like she has ADHD? and D is in charge of keeping her on target? It was kind of hard to pin the characters down as they're weren't really consistent in what happened.Ĥ. Aside from introducing Z, I'm not really sure what was accomplished. The subject and arc of this chapter seemed to flit from one thing to another. What's not working for you or is confusing? I wasn't very engaged with this chapter as I wasn't sure what was going on half the time.Ģ. Points of interest/engagement? Positive qualities?
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